Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Silly Rabbit....


Did I mention that during my recent trip home to Texas (for one week) for my dad's 70th birthday, I did a little binge eating? Oh, yes, I am human and I could not resist eating my mother's cooking. Natch, you say. Good for you, you say. I didn't stop at mom's brisket and potato salad, though...

My parents have five grandkids, so their dispenser (I insist on calling it that even though, for 20 years, Pat has corrected me by telling me it is a pantry) has potato chips, marshmallows, Jif peanut butter, granola bars, Twizzlers, Dots (for when the kids go to the movies) and box after box of breakfast cereals. I didn't eat everything on the list you just read but, yes, I did falter. I don't apologize--though I have been apologizing to my intestines and my waistline; I have also been battling much guilt but my focus as a new peaceful warrior has brought forgiveness and self-love.

Forgiveness from my intestines has yet to come. They are EXTREMELY angry with me for creating a sensation like passing a freakin Brillo Pad! When you remove wheat and refined sugar and lard from your system for a year and then turn your body into a toxic waste dump of inappropriate foods, your intestines are (I swear it) going to be angry, angry, angry. Let me tell you something about those foods that (can I say this?) F*CKED me up the most:

--A bag of marshmallows sat on the shelf next to a jar of JIF. At three am during bouts of insomnia, you could find me standing in the dispenser with a spoon. I didn't even get the items and the spoon and return to the sofa to watch tv and eat; oh, no, no no. STANDING in the walk in dispenser, I dipped the spoon into the JIF, placed a marshmallow on it and ate it. After three or four of these I felt like MWOOOP!! That's the feeling and the sound it made. MWOOOP!!!

--Do not eat a box of Fig Newtons. Eat one or two but not a box. They are delicious and addictive and after 15 or 20 you get a headache.

--I grew up eating GRAPE NUTS with my dad. He still keeps a box in the dispenser at all times. Post has put out an amazing new version of GRAPE NUTS called Trail Mix Crunch. It is ADDICTIVE. Once the milk has softened the cereal some, it has the perfect blend of soggy and crunchy, and thanks to lots of sugar and honey (and an occasional raisin and almond slice--STINGY!), the cereal is a textural and tasty treat, the kind that makes a person say "there's still milk in the bowl, I better add more cereal." MWOOOOP!!! Oh, it makes that sound, too. It makes it after the first big bowl, during the second big bowl and then your body makes that noise for a week after you ate the cereal. I don't know how-- I don't know what ingredient it is in this delicious cereal that I have craved ever since eating my mother's box (right off the shelf in the dispenser, where it sat next to my dad's box of plain GRAPE NUTS) but something in this cereal gave me the worst gas I have ever had. I was bloated and in pain for a week and I won't bore you with the vulgar details involving smells. I will say this though: a close friend of mine recently complained about the exact same problem that she and her business partner had after they bought a box of GRAPE NUTS TRAIL MIX CRUNCH for the office. She did, in fact, tell me that she wanted to write a letter to Post: "Love the taste of your new cereal....hate the smell of the gas it gave me...."

I know that nothing I write here can change that America will buy this cereal and consume it by the barrel-full. And, truth be told, I have no vendetta against Post or Grape Nuts. I have two boxes of original Grape Nuts in my dispenser right now. I had two boxes of Trail Mix Crunch ten days ago but I ate them and I suffered for a week. I don't want to harm the business, as it has not harmed me in any lasting way, unless you call having a lifelong craving for something that you can't, ultimately, have, harm. I only wanted to tell anyone who is reading and who has a tendency toward sweet and crunchy breakfast cereals:

Stick to KASHI!!!!

please note: i did not take the photo(s) shown in this piece.

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