L'Homme Infidel...Mais Pas Ici

In order to write the story I want to write today, I must give you some backstory. It may take a little longer for you to get through this entire piece; but I hope the payoff will be worth it. Here are the facts, in order:

1--My dear friend, Richie, is one of my most ardent MySpacers. He loves to do the 'get to know your friends' surveys and so do I. I love to read other peoples' answers because I love to know what is in others' heads. I love to answer the questions with absolute honesty and see what I can learn about myself by a) how honest I am willing to be and b) what humour and/or profundities come out of me. Richie sent out a survey that claimed it was going to be difficult to get through. Indeed, for me, it was not. I enclose the survey here:

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY. (lets see if you can get through it. if not, you're too scared about your past)

-How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told YOU that THEY love you?
I haven't had that many. I have heard the magic words--and believed them--when they were spoken by Pat, Tom and Michael. Oh. Those have been my boyfriends. No others.

-Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person
I have not.

-Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
I have. I don't know why it hurt because love is a beautiful thing. Even when loving someone who does not reciprocate, the fact that you have a heart that can love, the fact that you can offer that emotion to someone, is a beautiful thing. Nevertheless...

-Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
I have. Tears of sadness are hard to take responsibility for. Tears of joy are elating.

-Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I haven't been single in over 20 years, I don't remember what it is like

-Have you ever been cheated on?
I have been betrayed by many people in many ways. Since I don't believe in monogamy (for gay men), it is difficult to answer the question of have I ever been cheated on....

-What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?
That they are given carte blanche for being fabulous.

-Have you ever had your heart broken?
My heart has been broken. Did I have it broken? No. Did someone else break it? No. I broke it because it was the only way to get all the love out....

-Have you ever broke someone's heart?
I don't know. I don't think so; but if I have, the person has not told me so.

-Talk to your exes?
I don't really have exes. I refer to Tom as my ex but he was never my man to begin with. I refer to Michael as my ex but the less said about him the better. I talk to Tom almost daily and when I run into Michael I greet him, warmly.-If you could go back in time and change things with any of your ex's would you?I think I would like to have been less pathetic while courting Tom. I was ruled by my emotions and sometimes they were horrifically pitiful and needy. Perhaps, had I been less of this and more of that, I could have held on to him. I doubt it, as I was not the love of his life....and he deserves to be with the love of his life.

-Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
As a boyfriend, I treat my significant other as though they were the Satine diamond necklace.

-Have you dated people who were not good for you?
I have.

-Have you been in an abusive relationship?
I believe that every relationship will have some abusive quality to it. The key is to learn to handle it and make it go away.

-Have you dated someone older then you?
Pat is two years older than me. Oh. When I was 17 I went with a 30 year old. Hot.

-Younger?
When I met Tom I was 38 and he was 24. Hot.

-Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not anymore.

-Believe in love at first sight?
Well I've had it with both Pat and Tom so, yes I guess I do.

-Ever dated two people at once?
I guess you haven't been reading this or any of my other surveys.....I spent Christmas with all three of the men in my life...three or four years ago, I think it was. It was work.

-Ever been given an Engagement ring?
I have not.

-Do you want to get married?
I do. I deserve it. WE deserve it.

-Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
I don't think so.

-Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
I have not.

-Ever liked someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
I have had the same crush on David Schmittou that everyone gets on David Schmittou. Mark Irish knows everyone falls in love with David and just laughs and laughs. It is one of the facts of life: the sun comes up, rain falls down, people who meet David fall for him. Accept it.

-Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
Only for a moment.

2--Another MySpace friend, Lymarie, read the survey when I posted it and wrote to me, in a private email: Just curious... you say here you don't believe in monogomy and quantify it by saying "for gay men." Does that mean you don't believe in monogomy at all, or just not for gay men... and why? :)

I love the question. I love the intelligence and the inquisitiveness and the fact that someone actually read something I wrote and was caused to think. Rock the freak on.

And that brings me to today's thesis....

I don't believe in monogamy. This is not news to anyone who reads what I write. I am very open and up front about the fact that Pat and I do not engage in a monogamous relationship. We are devoted to one another, absolutely. We know that we will stay together for the rest of our lives--and, frankly, into any lives we may have beyond this one. There is never a question of our devotion and commitment to one another. However; I, that is to say, WE do not believe that monogamy is natural for the male species. I do not believe that it is in the genetic makeup of the species to remain sexually monogamous. I believe that men are more base, more animal--perhaps it is because of testosterone. Women are intellectual, women deal in reason, women deal in emotion. Men react, as the animal reacts, from instinct and from two physical places: their gut and their groin. Case in point: Men fall in love with a person for whom they have a physical attraction. Women develop a physical attraction for the person with whom they are in love. I should state here that I am aware that these are sweeping generalizations, that I know that women have animal instincts, that they can find a man attractive for the physical aspect, that there are men who remain faithful to their one and only love, be it a man or a woman and that there are women who can have sex like a man. I know all of this to be true. I am simply stating my opinion based on the law of averages that I have observed, in person and in print.

In, as Lymarie says, quantifying my statement by adding the phrase 'for gay men', I point out the following: I believe that monogamy is not in the genetic makeup of the male species--but I believe that the heterosexual male is more likely to remain monogamous (even though, as we all know, there are incidents of infidelity), while gay men are more likely to engage in sexual congress with more than one partner, even if he is in a relationship. Here is the reason why: the rules of society do not apply to gay men. We are not allowed to get married. We are treated as second class citizens, not given the rights granted to even the lowest members of our society. A convicted criminal is allowed to marry, while serving a prison sentence. I know a lovely gay couple, one who works in television and one who is a school teacher--model citizens, whose union a few years ago is not legally recognized by this country. Well. If we are not to be allowed to live by the rules of this society, I guess we will have to make up our own...

In as much as we do not get to be protected by the legality of marriage (tax cuts, inheritance, insurance etc.) then we do not have the restriction of having to live by the rules of marriage, as observed by heterosexuals. Marriage ceremonies always include a 'fidelity clause' in which the couple declares to keep themselves only unto each other..... We of the gay male population don't have to adopt that rule. There is, after all, no point in our having to adopt a lifestyle, a rule, a limitation, a restriction placed on heterosexuals, since we don't get the luxury of adopting all the benefits and priveledges granted the heterosexuals. So monogamy is not in our nature, our genes + we are not allowed to live under the standards of married life as created by society + we don't have to play by the rules of married life as created by society = we must make up our own set of standards; and within that set of standards is the OPTION of choosing a lifestyle of non-monogamy.

There are gay men who do not agree with me. Certainly, there are lesbians who do not agree with me. They choose to follow the doctrines of the heterosexuals, they opt to live their lives in the standards set by the straights. These gay men and women (and, yes, the bis, the transgendered, all of them...) want to be the couple living lext door to Lester Burnham, with Carolyn's American Beauty roses peeking out over the white picket fence as they walk up the walk with the basket of home baked muffins to give the neighbours. These gay men and women (and the rest) want to live normal (please put quotes around that) lives with two point five children and a border collie, with a BMW and a Dodge Stratus in their two car garage. I have no problem with these gays. This is what they have been taught to want by society and by LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. And as far as their getting what they want goes, I say: YAY! You Go!

Then there are the rest of us. We have our families--however they may be constructed--and we have our lifestyles; we have our standards and we have our rules. We have to make them up as we go along, which can be a lot, a lot, a lot of work but we are making the work work.

With regards to the heterosexual world, the men out there and THEIR sense of monogamy; I still don't think monogamy is natural for the male of the species. BUT. The straight guys live by a set of rules that they created. They live by a standard that they maintain. The women of the world want monogamy. My grilfriend once said to me that her biggest fantasy in life is to be with one man who wants only her for the rest of her life. I believe that this is how women think and feel. And as long as a man is going to live in the society that endorses marriage and the clauses and agreements that go with it and its' ceremonites and rituals, then he must put aside his natural desire to engage in sexual congress with many women and, in fact, keep himself only unto his one woman. Otherwise, don't get married. Remain a bachelor and a playboy. Women buy into the fidelity clause and women deserve our respect. They run this planet, in spite of what men would have you believe; without them we are nothing. And since they desire monogamy, they deserve monogamy. Unless a straight couple has an arrangement other than the one created by society at large, then they should remain sexually faithful to one another. They made up the rule, they should follow it.

In my favourite tv show, QUEER AS FOLK (the American version), Brian Kinney (my acknowledged fictional hero and idol) and his boyfriend, Justin Taylor, make an agreement that they will be a couple who does not commit to monogamy but who are committed to each other. They lay down a set of rules and they work at living by them. Oh, there are troubles, conflicts, resolutions--otherwise it wouldn't be good tv. When we watched these episodes during their first run, Pat and I cheered at the tv screen and said "they're us!!!"

In FATAL ATTRACTION, when Michael Douglas cheated on his wife (the gorgeous Anne Archer) with Glenn Close and got his bunny boiled--Hell, I thought he deserved it. He didn't have an arrangement with his wife; she was being true to him and he was screwin around on her. Shame, shame, shame on him. Play by the rules to which you agree to sign up with. By the way, I love Glenn Close like you cannot believe--but has anyone WATCHED the scene where Michael Douglas watches Ann Archer putting on her maekup and pefume?! H-O-T! Who cheats on this woman with anyone?

It's 2006. The world is a mess. There are bombs and wars and serial killers and rapists; there are kiddie pornographers and congressmen who are would be kiddie pornographers. There is a man in the White House who is the most detested man in the free world; he has garnered more hatred in his direction than any other president in the history of this country. There are certainly more important and interesting topics and problems than whether or not a couple sleeps around on each other; and, frankly, it's none of my business. All I can speak for and about is my own relationship--it's lasted over 20 years and for 15 of them, Pat and I have cheered each other on during our outside relationships and, yes, sometimes shared the outside relationships as a couple.

I wouldn't call myself an expert on this topic; but I would say I have an opinion and that 20 years is a pretty good letter of recommendation...

please note that the photo of Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor was lifted off the internet. The photo of the famed Christmas with me, Pat, Tom and Michael is from my personal collection.