Beautiful U R

I am going to take a brief step away from my recent blogging about musical theater cds in my Ipod to post a story that was inspired by a walk this morning. When something inspires you to sit down and write a story RIGHT NOW, you can't let a little thing like a series of theme stories keep you from posting it.

Here is a story about body image, aging gracefully, self esteem and all those other great things that we, as human beings, face every day that we choose to open our eyes.

Please be aware that, within this blog, is a (tasteful and artistic) nude of the male body. It's not pornography - it's art. If you are a person who is going to be prone to being bothered by seeing a bare male backside, please stop reading now. (It is, for the record, MY backside - and I publish it here, with full permission of my buttocks.)

I was up early to do some shopping. It is something I do – awaken early on Sundays and make the run to all the stores before the crowds hit, so I can take advantage of the sales. It was a pleasant autumn morning walk down 49th Street and through WorldWide Plaza to my first stop – Rite Aid. Standing in line at the counter to pay for my Epsom Salt and Peppermint Dentyne, I saw Sela Ward on the cover of MORE magazine. I love Sela Ward. I am interested to know what she is doing these days, interested to know what the article had to say. The harsh economic time has really come home to Two-A to roost, though, and we have eschewed the spending of money on things like magazines, so I didn’t spend the four dollars on More or Sela.

After hitting the Food Emporium and the Stiles, I wandered into Duane Reade because that is the only store that carries the Dentyne cinnamon gum that Pat and I like. There, I saw the magazine stand and Sela was right out front. Since it wasn’t at the cashier’s stand, I decided to take a moment to flip through and, at least, look at the pictures (which are, of course, beautiful). Here’s the thing that happened to me, though, the thing that left me standing at the cash register, Dentyne and Sela in hand. I happened to catch the LAST paragraph of the story about Sela Ward..

“A few years ago, the director McG told Ward that she was next in line to play the villain in CHARLIES ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE if Demi Moore didn’t take the part. Moore took it, of course, and soon appeared on the cover of People Magazine wearing a bikini. ‘I’ll never forget it.’ Ward says. ‘ I was 48 or 49, on a boat trip in the Caribbean. I looked at that picture and went, “I am never going to look like that again.” I just got tired when I looked at the cover of that magazine.’ Other actresses might have cried or booked a date with their surgeon. But they’re not Sela Ward. ‘I just said “screw it” she remembers, “can I have another glass of wine?’”

NOW.

To make the entire experience even more significant, while standing there, at the magazine stand, reading those words, my Ipod had shifted from Whitney Houston’s song Million Dollar Bill to the Deborah Cox song Beautiful U R.

“Don’t never let nobody bring you down, girl
Don’t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful U R”

I stood, the fluorescents of the Duane Reade bouncing off the polished shiny white floors, enveloping me in light as I focused on the message being thrown my way by the universe. It is a message with which I have had an ongoing relationship for several years; possibly my entire life. It is a topic with which many struggle (possibly all of us – but if you have ever met a truly, genuinely, vain person – and I have – then you know that using the word ALL in this instance would be a mistake): it is the balance of loving oneself while needing the approval of an outside force. In Hollywood, that outside force is the producer – the one who wants to hire only the young because that is who he or she believes the public wants to see. That is, surely, the point of view (or at least part of) for Sela Ward and the other women (and men; but, especially the women) working in show business. In the gay community, the outside force is our brethren, the most judgmental and scrutinizing sub-grouping of people on the planet. I don’t even want to begin to think what it must be like for people working in fashion or the world of dance. Then there is the most cutthroat and ruthless place of all: High School.

Wait.

I remember. I remember elementary school and Juniour High and High School and college and all of the scrutiny and the quest to look good. That was when I was a kid. Today I am 45 and Sela is 53 and we are STILL having to deal with this issue. Clearly, it never goes away. We are born and we are condemned to a life of trying to be pretty. Well… maybe we aren’t trying to be PRETTY – but we are all trying to look like the best versions of ourselves. I wonder if this kind of pressure is felt by the communities of other countries or if it is only in America that we live at this kind of fever pitch. I see the ads for tv shows that focus on people who commit unspeakable acts of mutilation upon their very own faces and bodies, in the name of beauty. I see (occasionally) mere minutes of interviews with people who have turned their faces into a Petri Dish and their bodies into a science experiment, in the name of beauty. And they aren’t beautiful. They’re scary. I know people who (if you will pardon my vulgarity) fuck themselves up, mentally and physically, by dieting to an extreme that shocks even me; I know people who (if you will pardon my crassness) fuck themselves up, mentally and physically, by over training (and people who know me are rolling their eyes right now but I promise you – I don’t overtrain: I have seen overtraining and that isn’t me). People do these things all in the name of beauty. And for what? Whose approval do they seek? Whose attention do they seek? Whose love do they need?

I have really appreciated the recent years when magazines have written stories about the HEALTHY women in the public eye – women who aren’t afraid of having curves. I have really loved the publicity given to the women we all look at who are beautiful WITHOUT giving in to the heartsickening trend of wearing a drum canvas as their face. I have really appreciated the attention given to living healthier lives and having healthier self esteem, to learning to love YOUR SELF. I mean, that’s what it is all about, isn’t it? Aren’t we all trying to just be loved? To just be approved of?

Clearly, Sela Ward and Deborah Cox approve of themselves. They are not alone. There are a lot of people who have found that love and who don’t (who won’t) buckle under the pressure. I love those people. I tell you now, I am not one of them. Oh, I’m learning to be one of them. It is a continual evolution for me; and one I have discussed with friends and in countless blogs as I make this journey. The thing is, like many other people, I have the answers for YOUR life; but not for my own. Well. That’s not necessarily true. I am a pretty smart dude and I can see the truth MOST of the time – it is only about 30 percent of the time that I can’t clear away the haze and that 30 percent is almost always, exclusively, regarding myself. At least it is only 30 percent, though, right? Maybe even 25…

Anyway; on the subject of loving oneself, on the topic of being beautiful, on the matter of seeking approval, I find myself (continually!) studying, searching, evolving in my opinions and my behavioural patterns. I observe people, both celebrities that I don’t know and loved ones that I REALLY know, to learn what is inside peoples’ individual and collective minds. I don’t have any answers, yet; but I have questions, questions, questions – and, frankly, I think that the questions are more important than the answers. I want, I seek, I NEED to know where we are all heading with regards to this issue. I’d like to share some of my observations with anyone reading this story and I’d LOVE to hear any thoughts, honest thoughts, about this matter. Please, dear reader, share…

---I was talking to my friend, Marci, telling her about something I observed about her in the last few years. You see, she is a woman I have known awhile and I have watched her change over the years and I noticed that in the last few years she has been walking differently. She has been carrying herself differently. She is looking extremely beautiful and sexy; and she is not a kid (though I am not about to actually give her age in this story). She is a woman who has grown more sexy and whose carriage reflects a change; and I asked her what that change was. She told me that she was focusing on accepting, on loving herself as she is. She has been learning to OWN herself. She asks herself is it a perfect body? No. Is it a real body? Yes. Is it HER body? Yes; and it’s the only one she has – she had better love it. So she owns her no longer in its’ twenties body and she loves it and she walks with more pride and self confidence and THAT is sexy – THAT is beautiful. And, dudes, everywhere she goes, people are saying “YOU look AMAZING.”.

---I have noticed that my friend, Jane (another woman I have known for a lot of years), is actually at her most beautiful since, first, I met her. She is an actress in her fifties who has grown into her body, her psyche, her sexuality. I’ve watched her hairstyles and body change in many ways but I’ve also watched her personality and philosophies change and it, genuinely, affects the way your face and body look. There’s a lot to the whole Dorian Gray thing – your outward appearance is reflected by what’s inside; and as this girlfriend of mine has learned about life and who she is, as she has learned about what is important and what is just bullshit that needs to be let go of, she has become more spiritual, more knowledgeable and more beautiful. She is OWNING herself.

Ah ha. We have a theme here.

---I have a lot of gay friends (HELLO!) and they are ALL consumed by their looks. Whether they have them, whether they don’t, what are their strengths, what are their flaws; each one has a different point of view and, trust me, we have almost ALL shared them. Mind you, we have never gotten together in one mass group and talked about it, but I can promise you, one on one, we have shared these fears, concerns and annoyances. And you know what? They are all the same. We want to be pretty. We want to pretty for ourselves. We want to be pretty for the men who are looking. We want to be pretty for the men who AREN’T looking. We want to be pretty for our jobs. We want to be pretty. Pick a reason. Fish in a barrel. In the same way that the grocery store magazine scrutinize the celebrities, the gay boyz want to be pretty because they know that some man, at some point during this day, is going to scrutinize us the same way. The thing is – we are all different people. We are all different body types AND personality types AND mental types. I have friends who are tall and skinny and can’t build muscle to save their lives. I have friends who are overweight (pick the word of your choice – fat, chubby, Rubenesque – they are all the same, depending on your comfort zone) and who can’t take off the weight to save their lives. I have friends who are beefy muscular and wish they were ripped. I have friends who are lean and cut and wish they were meatheads. I have friends who have great tits and skinny legs and I have friends who have great legs and want bigger arms. The scenarios change from boy to boi, from man to Man; the particulars aren’t important – what is important is that, we are all together in this mindset. The sad part about it is this: in the gay community (I have seen it, I know whereof I speak) there is too much hatred; hatred of self, hatred of others, hatred of all. I know good looking guys who hate other good looking guyz because of what I call professional jealousy. I know regular guys who hate good looking guyz because of envy. I know good looking guys who hate regular guyz because of elitism. It is all a crap shoot. What I WISH… What I WANT… What I DREAM is that we could all just bloody love one another and be nice to each other and validate each other. Of course, I would like to see it within the gay community because that’s where I live – them’s my peeps, as it were; but it needs to be more global. It needs to be a universal theme, ok? Why .. sorry, I meant to say WHY?! Can’t we just all love one another and be a little more kind to each other and help each other learn to love, oh, I don’t know, OUR SELVES?

There’s a question for ya. Right?

---I have some friends who work in businesses that require them to look a certain way. Whether they be fashion pros, adult film industry professionals, health and fitness workers, it is a part of their job to look a certain way. I’m like that. I work, from time to time, as a trainer. I’m a trainer of the old school: I’m not certified but I have spent ENOUGH time in the gym to train people. That’s not enough for me, so I’m studying to get my certification. As a trainer (or ‘would be trainer’) I feel the pressure to look a certain way. For that reason, I work out a lot and I pay strict attention to my diet. I’ve been the subject of much derision and a many jokes but I can take the hits. My shoulders are broad. I and my loved ones know the truth: I train just enough (even taking breaks of up to a week without working out!) and I eat healthily (but not so healthily that I denied myself some cookies and cupcakes from http://www.thischickbakes.com/ recently!). That’s because I am on a quest to love myself for who I am and I have found that part of who I am is someone who works out hard and diets hard and part of who I am is someone who likes an occasional Peanut Butter Blast or Red Velvet Cupcake from This Chick Bakes. And I can do that without making myself into a crazy person. That’s not the case with everyone. A person I know who works in health and fitness has developed a kind of an eating disorder by dieting and exercising to extreme lengths to reach a certain physical goal, only to binge eat and, then, emotionally flagellate themself, once that goal has been reached. It hurts to watch. It hurts to do (I’ve done it – I don’t do it anymore). The point is, I can understand when you have to have discipline and focus for your JOB; as long as you focus (also) on the fact that it IS your JOB. That can help maintain your sanity, you know? Like most jobs, though, there comes a time when you have to take off the tie or the nametag and be yourself. That’s where you go that is, totally, safe, where you allow yourself to take off that hat of physical perfection in the name of work and be yourself – the person who can just be loved for who they are. You NEED that time to decompress and acknowledge your SELF worth. If you are lucky enough to have someone who lives with you in that place who can validate you at those times, God bless you. If you don’t, though, you must, you must, you must learn to give YOURSELF that validation BY YOURSELF.

---I was watching something on tv and I saw a famous actress who, in her youth, had been a great beauty; as an older woman she still looked wonderful but she was, indeed, an older woman. I found myself thinking about my mother (the prettiest girl I ever met) and wondering what it must be like for her… As a young woman she was beautiful in that way that Elizabeth Taylor was beautiful –devastating. Now she is a woman in her 70s with four grown children and five grandchildren. She is a grandma with the physicality of a grandma. What must that be like? I remarked on it to Pat and he replied that the aging process is PARTICULARLY difficult for women. I suppose that is true. I imagine that even women like Katharine Hepburn, Jeanne Moreau, AUDREY HEPBURN (the most beautiful person EVER, as the play The Little Dog Laughed declared), who have a strong sense of self and a strong sense of confidence, hate getting older. What about that great scene in the film The Mirror Has Two Faces, where Barbra Streisand asks Lauren Bacall how did it feel? Then she describes how she sees the gift of beauty to her mother and asks, again, how it felt to be beautiful. Bacall (a, once, legendary beauty), closes her eyes for a moment and (with heartwrenching honesty and a wealth of personal knowledge) replies, wistfully: “It was wonderful.” To be a beautiful woman and watch that beauty change, whether you are lucky enough to change with it or unlucky enough to be destroyed by it, cannot be an easy part of this life.

---My friend is a go go boy. He has spent his entire adult life building a career and a lifestyle around how he looks. He’s not a kid anymore; he’s in his 30s and he’s begun to tire of just being pretty. He has begun to resent people for not seeing all the parts of him. He wants people to know he is smart and he is funny; but he has been a beauty for so long, now, that he cannot seem to get out of the beartrap. People are unwilling to let him live outside of the box he has put himself in; and he is having difficulty breaking free of the crutch of validation that comes from being an objet du desir. It’s that vicious cycle of which we have all heard and read.

OHMYGOD!!! How do we do it? How do we traverse the delicate balance that is the tightrope of owning yourself, owning your beauty (inner and out) and feeling the validation from others? Do we work harder or do we relax a little? Do we become Tony Horton and train, train, train; or do we become Sela Ward and have another glass of wine, Shirley? That’s a personal journey, one we all must take alone. We may not be alone in life, but it’s a journey we take alone, in our heads. Speaking for myself, as someone who is on this quest (and who has been for several years) I know that, for me, the answer is to just keep moving. I actually love being middle aged (though I am not sure what middle aged is because I think that if I continue to live the way I am, now, I should live to be a hundred and ten) because it has made me smarter, more confident, more honest and sexier – oh, wait; that’s my husband I am talking about. LOL. No, actually, Pat and I seem to be lucky enough to be taking the journey together. Inside our heads, we deal with our issues with ourself and with God; but in life we have the happy companionship of a friend who is on the same path – each other; our spouses. Actually, if you look at our circle of friends (personally speaking but, also, generally speaking, for I see it all around in many other family circles I observe), if you consider that several of them are our contemporaries who have similar histories (even if, only, fractionally), we aren’t really walking the evolutionary road together. We are walking it en masse.

To that end, we are never alone. We are not alone when with our families; we are not alone when with whatever God we believe in; we are not alone when we are secure in our own skin, when we are with our SELVES. We must, first, find ourselves and love ourselves; perhaps not absolutely (I know few people who do) – but if we work at it and evolve, we can learn to see how beautiful is the person beside us, the person behind us, the person in front of us.

We can learn to see how beautiful is the person looking back at us from the mirror.

You want to hear something I have taken to saying, quit often? Usually it is to someone who is over forty who is discussing, with me, their experience of being over forty, their experience dealing with the aging process and staying happy, healthy and looking good?

"Here's to NOT aging. Gracefully."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dsgMxc5-uY

Please Note: I did not shoot the photo of Sela Ward on the cover of MORE - I simply scanned in the cover from the current issue. I DID shoot the photos of Marci (colour), Jane (black and white) and Pat (colour). The photo of my mother is from my personal collection and the photo of me was done by the great Thomas Synnamom. Deborah Cox's music video BEAUTIFUL U R is posted here courtesy of Youtube