It has been suggested that I do not know how to relax. I didn't take offense. I have suggested it, myself. I'm trying to learn how to set my work aside and how to be just where I am. For example, there have been times that I have rushed through a workout at the gym because I was, accutely, aware of work at home that was waiting for me. That happens a lot. I will be somewhere, anywhere, and become distracted by making the laundry list of the other things I should be doing. That's changing, though. I have had two great weeks of getting to the gym and staying focused and staying for the entire session. I recognize that it is where I am and what I am supposed to be doing. It happened to me yesterday, in fact. At the movies.
YES! I took time out of my busy day to go to the movies! On Friday we made our plan. We would be up early, make a picninc lunch, go to the gym at nine am, do a good chest workout and then go to the picture show. Twice. We scheduled it so we could see two movies in one day, something I never do. Our first show was at ten forty five and it was the film GEORGIA RULE. I was very moved by it - it is great film making. Well, let's face it, you cannot go wrong with a Gary Marshall movie that stars Jane Fonda, Felicity Huffman and Lindsay Lohan. I don't care what that girl does with her personal life as long as she keeps turning in the performances she is. I will be surprised if, at some point, she doesn't get an Academy Award. I am not going to review this picture except to say that I would recommend it, wholeheartedly, to anyone.
It was tough but we managed to get through the first film without getting popcorn. You know, I am on a diet. I took several months off from my health and fitness regimen and ate whatever I wanted and didn't go to the gym if I didn't want to. I missed many a work out and ate much sugar and wheat. And I am paying for it. I lost my great body and ended up with some doughy, shapeless thing. I hurt my intestines and other internal organs, including my heart (which has been broken because of my weight gain) and my head (which has been filled with self loathing for the same reason). Now I am on a strict diet again and carbs and sodium are not on the list. So NO popcorn. Do you know how hard it is to be in a cinema first thing in the morning and hear the popcorn popping and smell it and know that it is fresh popped popcorn and not popcorn from a bag that is under a heat lamp and that you cannot eat it? BoooHoooHoooo. But we did it. No popcorn. We ate sodium free chicken and broccoli, right out of a tupperware container, right there in the cinema.
The next picture we took in is called WAITRESS.
It was a day of chickflicks.
It was during WAITRESS that I had my moment. I was watching Keri Russell, who I have always loved, play this unhappy woman in an unhappy marriage and having an unhappy pregnancy. There was a moment, about an hour into the movie, when I felt my mind slip away and begin to focus on all the things I could or should be doing at home. It didn't last long because a voice in my head said no - what you should be doing, right now, is paying tribute to Adrienne Shelly, who made this movie. She wrote and directed every frame of it. And it's a good movie. And you are an artist and understand what it is to have someone appreciate your artwork. You should be looking at the lighting, at the colour, at the camera movement. You should be seeing Keri Russell's expression and the emotion that she, the artist, and the the artist who directed this film have created for you. You are meant to be watching this movie and drinking in every nuance, every emotion, every creation by the second. And I snapped back into WAITRESS. That entire inner monologue took a moment.
And WAITRESS is worth the effort. It is a small, independant film, written and directed by a wonderful artist (who, by the way, appears in the film, reminding audiences what a lovely acting talent she had) who doesn't live here anymore. The film tells a story, a magical one, that is very real; and it tells it in a way that we may or may not experience in our own lives but that we can understand. I wept over the artistry in this movie. In particular, I remember being especially moved by the moments in the movie that happen after Keri Russell's character gives birth; and anyone who goes to see the movie will know what I am talking about because it is cinematic artistry at its simplest and most complex - a true dichotomy. I am learning how to be present and I can think of no better way to test it than to be present in my full observation of Adreinne Shelly's final work of art.
As we were leaving the cinema, Pat remarked that he could not believe that Adrienne Shelly was gone. He said "No more stories".
I agree that it is sad that she is not here to tell us any new stories. But perhaps her personal story is a part of the story that is meant to be told. WAITRESS was one of five or six movies that she worked on as a creator. It is a stunning final work, a beautiful legacy to have come into the world, months after she left it. But as time passes and the world of movie goers continues to appreciate her body of work as an actor, as a writer, as a director, they will also come to recognize her as a human, as a wife, as a mother. People will remember the shocking story of her death and it will become a part of her history. HerStory.
A few nights ago we turned on the television and on the History Channel they were doing an hour on Jayne Mansfield. She has been gone for decades and people still talk about her. We don't let ourselves or the people around us forget the works of great artists. Hemmingway. Chopin. Bourke-White. Van Gogh. There are artists throughout history whose lives and whose work become one to tell a story to the people who appreciate their artwork. It and they go on forever, continuing to enlighten, to illuminate, to empassion and inspire. It is what an artist does best, indeed, what an artist dreams of doing. I think that in the ether where Adreinned Shelly's energy now resides, she would be so happy to know that two sensitive young artisst sat in the dark and wept and laughed and were made to feel..simply made to feel..by her artistry. I think it is a great legacy for Adrienne Shelly.
As we walked out into the sunny streets, filled with a chilly breeze, Pat and I continued to talk about GEORGIA RULE and the artists who brought it to life and about Adrienne Shelly, Keri Russell, Andy Griffith, WAITRESS and about pies, for a long walk into the park, where we sat on the grass and ate our picnic. We watched while, in one patch of grass, four young men/boys played baseball; a man taught a woman tai chi; four actors rehearsed a play that involved the brandishing of invisible swords; parents played with children; pet owners walked dogs; couples sat and gazed at each other. We sat, perfectly in that moment, present, focused on the life that was around us. Cherry blossoms drifted down out of the trees into our laps, our lunch, Pat's hair. The wind blew and goosebumps appeared on my big arms and shaved pate. We ate and watched and talked and remained present. I thought about the moment when Adrienne Shelly's light went out. I thought about Doug Blasdell from WORKOUT and his early demise. I thought about all the people who leave us too soon and of the true unhappinesses that we encounter on this planet and I told Pat that I didn't see any reason for me to, ever, be unhappy again. I have, neither, the reason nor the right. I am a happy man. That is my new label, my role in this life.
It was a good day. One filled with stories to tell.
And today...
Is another.
