Wind's In The East

I've been depressed. Oh, it's not the time I was depressed because I couldn't find a publisher for The Sweater Book and I got in bed for eighteen months. Didn't know about that, did you? Some people did; others didn't. That's because I prefer to keep that kind of thing private. I have no secrets (really and truly) and will write about almost anything because I believe that a writer (one who writes about life and experiences, rather than creating fiction--which I am not good at) cannot be a good writer or show the lessons in life unless the writer is willing to be unfailingly honest. There is such a thing as discretion, though. I will write about my personal good, bad and even my ugly--but that's writing; it's not living. In the place where I live, I'm actually a very private person. And when I am depressed I prefer to keep it private. Laurelle has complained that I don't share my life with her; her reasoning for this is because I don't go running to her to unload all my emotional baggage, as she does to others. She wants a friend like that--and I want friends like myself, who keep their drama at their house, rather than bring it to mine. None of this is what I sat down to write about though. Oh, yes, that's right: I have a tendency toward tangent....

I've been depressed. I don't know why. I've been tired and listless and unable to focus on everything, during all my waking hours. I can focus for a few hours and then I crash like a child coming down from a sugar coma. I haven't been weepy or moody, though I have wanted to emotion eat. It's a good thing I have removed all dangerous foods from my home. The worst I can do to myself is gobble down handfulls of raisins and I have decided that good body or not, health fanatic or not, I want no part of a life where I am not able to eat some freakin raisins or an apple when I want one. I have decided to NOT beat myself up for cheating on my diet with some natural fruit sugars. It's not like I am sneaking off to La Gulee for Marzipan, right? I am, though, craving foods--something I go through when I am emotional. I have been falling asleep in the middle of the day--well, it's not REALLY the middle of the day. Since I get up at four am, falling asleep on the sofa around three pm isn't really the middle of the day. I view it as an energy boost. I go to the gym at six and I really need that 60 to 90 minute nap so that I will have the energy to lift the heavy weight. I refuse to feel guilty because I sleep while everyone else is at work, slaving over a hot computer. I have made lists of things to do during the day and only gotten half of the list done. At least I am getting them done, though... It's just the strangest thing, though...

I've been depressed.

What's strange about that? I'll tell you....

I have nothing about which to be depressed. I'm happy. I have the life that I want. As Pat says, "There's nothing wrong with my life that a million dollars and a little more sleep won't cure." I like that. Could I use more money? Yes. Could I use more sleep? Definately. Other than that, is there anything about which I should be depressed? No. I know that I have been down on myself these last two months for an eating binge that took my weight from 153lbs to 170; but I have my food and workout routine back on track and have reclaimed my waistline, as well as owning the fact that some of that weight gain is muscle growth.

I have been down in the mouth because I am impatient and want my business to be very productive so that I can feel like I contribute to the financial upkeep of my family's household. What I must remind myself of, though, is that I DID take two years off and when you take that much time off of a career in the arts, they forget about you. It will take time to remind them who I am and time to re build that career. I'm scared, though. I'm scared that people won't hire me because I don't do digital photography. I'm scared that it will be like last time--that I won't get chosen by potential clients; something I have never understood because I think I am a damned good photographer, and more, a damned FINE headshot photographer, not to mention a really nice fellow. I think people should WANT to hire me. Unfortunately, technology has replaced talent and people want that damned digital photo just because it is the rage, rather than a great photo, whatever the format. I will admit it: the rejection is hard. I talk a good talk about it just being a part of the business but it is hard. When you spend an hour of your day giving a free consultation to someone who seems to like you but who leaves and doesn't hire you, for whatever the reason, it's a rejection--and everyone knows how well I handle rejection... But I am determined to stay focused and not let it be like it was before. I am determined to make my business a success this time and not let my ego get wrapped up in things like perceived rejection or friends squeezing me for free shoots or any kind of negativity regarding this career of mine. I love it too much to let the negativity set in.

Is there more, though? I mean, really, what is there that would make me depressed? I have a great apartment, even though it is in desperate need of rennovating. I have the man of my dreams. I have a lovely family that (for the most part) is a source of happiness for me (as long as I do not place a lot of emphasis on attaining my father's approval). I have a family of friends that makes me feel loved, and even liked.... I have... wait. That's not quite true. Uh oh. Revelation. Eureka in the bathrub.

I miss my friends. I talk to Tom and Annalisa, either on the phone or online, at least every other day. I communicate with Lisa-Gabrielle through our blog postings. I have a handful of other friends who MySpace with me. That's it. I know that I have talked about the fact that, as we age, our families, our spouses and our children, become our comfort and our company. I spend all of my time with Pat, as my parents (especially my mother) spent all of her time with my dad and the children. I am happy to have Pat be my constant companion. However, there is a standard of friendship that has been set by shows like SEX AND THE CITY and QUEER AS FOLK, where the characters in the show do things like have breakfast together every day; where the characters are in each others' lives to the point where it is almost a form of marriage. These are relationships that I have found almost impossible to maintain. Not only can I NOT sit down to breakfast at the same time every day with the same group of people--I don't think I want to. Sadly, most of my friends are crisis junkies and I cannot have their crises in my daily life--it is bad enough having them in my weekly or monthly life. I still love them, though; and I miss them.

It feels like the flowers in my garden have moved away to new gardens; and, indeed, they have. A few years ago Brady and Peter went to California and I never see them anymore. A month ago, Steve and Domonick moved to the Bay area of California, as did Theo. Tash and Michael married and moved from 49th Street to Queens. David has been out of town doing plays for seven months and by the time he gets back he will have been gone ten months. Leslie is (apparently) shunning us because we told Mark that we didn't want to be friends with him anymore because of his negativity. Dan used to live on 48th stret, around the corner, as did Paul Tigue; they were an arm's length away from me and now they both live in Los Angeles. The Conners are only on Long Island but that is a much further distance than you can, really imagine. Paul J went back to Texas. Mark T went back to Texas. Faye has shut herself off from all of us, for whatever reasons. Even my best friend AJ lives three blocks away and we have seen each other five times in 2006. Vince and I have to plan museum dates twice a year just to look at each other and put our arms around each other. Michael and Mithcell are both so busy at work that we never see each other; but when we do we promise that we still love each other. Mike Babel is in California and I see him a few times whenever he is in town...which is never enough. David moved to Australia, Kate moved to Spain and Marci is wherever the work takes her.... And friends that I could see because we DO both have the time and inclination, I won't see because I can no longer be around their self-inflicted drama and misery.

No wonder I am depressed.

I'm lonely.

It's not like the loneliness of the cat lady down the street who has no one in her life. It's not like the loneliness of an agoraphobic who can't leave their home. It's not any kind of melodramatic loneliness that makes us feel sorry for someone. I just miss the past. I miss the days when we all got together for each other's birthdays. I miss the days when someone threw a party and people actually showed up. I miss the days when LGG, MM, BB and Morgana and I would kidnap each other on our birthdays. I miss gossiping with Miss Laura every night. I miss my family.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that life and time and people all change. It's the Mary Poppins philosophy on life. People drift together for a time when they are meant to be together...a time when they need each other. When that time is over, they drift apart again. Maybe they will drift together, once more, maybe they won't. It's the Mary Poppins philosophy of life and it is one I have been aware of, and have lived with and accepted, for a long time.

But I'll always remember the birthday kidnappings, or The Posse game nights, or the summer that the Forty Ninth Street Fags spent lying around our living room watching Mo'Nique and reciting her act along with her; and I'll remember that there is an energy that we started, we and our family. And even though Mary Poppins has taken us off in different directions, there is a place where that energy will continue forever, like a shooting star in space that never stops...

I'll always remember... and I will smile

please note: the above photos were taken by different photographers and are photos I had stored in my computer; they were chosen, randomly, for this piece and not to show any favouritism within my circle of friends. had i a scanner and the space, I would have added photos of all my loved ones--eventually photos of each of them will turn up in one of my stories, anyway....