Ten Rules and Regulations Regarding My Personal Life: The Andrew Martin Survey
On Facebook, I belong to a small group of friends who do these lists of "The 10...." whatever. It is usually based on things like our ten favourite books or films or tv shows.. usually all entertainment related. We write these Notes and post them and tag each other and other friends. I tag friends who I think might be interested or who are mentioned (in some way) in the story or who I would like to read, should they choose to do the list as well. It's a very laid back, recreational kind of thing to do when you want to just goof off instead of actually work.
Yesterday, though, I was tagged by two of my group on this new list that involved some real, some serious, some introspective thought. I had to turn the camera (so to speak) on myself and see what I found inside. What I found there, I found to be so interesting that I am choosing to post it here...
Word for word, as copied from my Facebook Notes section:
Andrew tagged me in this note and then James Beaman tagged me as well; this is hardly surprising since the three of us tag each other in almost every one of these notes, notes I love a lot, even though there are times when I feel I am not up to the challenge. This note is a list of ten rules regarding your personal life, your space, your expectations and requirements of others on this planet. At first, I was not sure I could do it because, well, frankly, I have far fewer rules than I used to have. People who have known me for a long time have watched me change from a fussy, rather high maintenance friend who had so many rules that it became difficult to have an actual relationship with me. A couple of examples:
For awhile there was a sign on the door to our apartment that said “This is a fragrance free apartment. Anyone entering wearing perfume will be asked to shower.”
Last year, Laurelle was in our building visiting friends and she knocked on our door. Happy to see her, I invited her in; she apologized for coming by unannounced, saying “I know you hate surprise visitors”. I told her “not anymore. I don’t have as many rules as I used to.”
Life’s short. I don’t want to live like that. Too many rules ruins the fun. That being said, I am happy to make this, gentle, list – after much consideration.
Here are ten things in life that I dream of living without and, often, strive for just that. To live without these things – that is my wish.
1. Perfume indiscretion. Even though there is no longer a sign on my door of vehement distaste regarding this matter, my loved ones know that cologne and perfume gives me migraines. Most of my loved ones don’t wear heavy scents around me – and those that do have the good taste to dab just a bit on their person, rather than marinate in it. The truth is, I like perfume – that is to say, a little bit of good perfume. Not cheap dime store trash that smells so bad that it makes a person sick; and, certainly, not in mass quantities.
2. Interruptions. I think it is in the height of bad taste to interrupt someone when they are talking. I know that it happens. I know that we all do it. I am guilty of it to. Also, there are times when interruptions occur that are just not possible to avoid. You’re talking to a friend and your phone rings and it is your mother. You have to interrupt their story and excuse yourself; but it can be done with taste – and the moment you hang up, you should be able to say “you were telling me about the time your pet billy goat ate your mother’s merry widow that was drying on the line in the back yard of your home in Dayton, Ohio”. Or debates of a social or political or religious nature (or other topics I guess) tend to feature a lot of interrupting. That is the nature of debate. However, if someone is chatting with you at a party or telling a story or joke and you interrupt them, it is just bad manners. What is more, we all have friends who do this constantly. Tch.
3. Thoughtlessness. Have you ever had someone say something to you and actually considered replying “you didn’t just say that right to my face, did you?” I don’t (and never will) understand people who are so insensitive that they cannot think about what they say before saying it. I cannot fathom not being aware that saying certain things might not be the best idea – that it might actually hurt someone’s feelings. I know there are people who say things that are, deliberately, meant to hurt: that’s a different thing. I can usually tell when something was designed to hurt me. When a person is so oblivious that they aren’t even aware of what they’ve said or the fact that it couldal, woulda, shoulda and DID hurt me (or anyone else – it is, in fact, worse when you are in a group and you witness someone hurting someone you love and not noticing it); well, that’s just uncontionable.
4. Street smokers. I have friends who smoke. I can, on occasion, stand with them on the stoop during a party and chat with them without being bothered by the smoke – so long as they stand down wind of me and blow in the opposite direction. But the gaggles of people who stand on sidewalks and create mushroom clouds of smoke where I have to walk .. blech. And worse than that are the people on the sidewalk who exhale their cigarette smoke, only to have it bellow back into the faces of pedestrian traffic behind them… nasty. How about the people who flick their butts into the street without ascertaining whether or not they are going to flick it directly into another person? Rude. Sekurity!
5. Fake hugs. This is getting really petty but I have to admit that it bothers me. If you don’t want to hug me, there is a way around it. Everyone can devise their own, personal, way around it. And, frankly, I don’t hug people I don’t love. When someone who is close to me steps in for a hug, I prefer their arms go all the way around me and that they squeeze me. It’s just so dissatisfying to hug someone just gets their hands around you enough to pat you on your shoulderblades twice and then let go. It’s small, it’s petty, it’s nitpicky. I can’t help it. We live for a very short time and affection, both emotional and physical, makes that short life better. If you love someone, tell them. Kiss them and mean it. Hug them and let them know they are loved. People need to know they are loved.
6. Judgment. This is hard for me because I am actually guilty of it. I am actually on a quest to rid myself of this habit. I work closely with Doctor Bowler and with Pat and with OB1 Kenobi to get the habit of judgment out of my soul. I usually judge people on bad hair and bad outfits. I don’t judge people on much else… bad hair and bad outfits is just to easy. It’s fun. It doesn’t happen every day – much of the time I find something to love about my fellow humans (Marci has seen me do it and can back me up). Usually if I am judging people on bad outfits it is because I can see their genitalia through their spandex hot pants at the gym or because I have to look at their nipples through their torn mesh tank top at the gym. The rest of the time, though, I love the girl on the bike with rollers in her hair, I love the crazies wandering New York in mixmatched outfits and big hats. I admit this, though: I do not love the wearing of flip flops. Blech. Aside from my judging people on bad fashion sense, though, I think I’m doing well on my quest to be non-judgmental. My judgments of others tends to be a trend I reserve when witnessing acts of bad character. What I dislike observing, as judgment goes, in others are people who judge others because of their personal tastes. I don’t like hearing (or reading in print on chat boards) peoples’ disdain over someone else’s favourite movie or tv show, over someone else’s passion for renaissance fairs or comic book conventions. I don’t like to hear people say to someone “you like Britney Spears?!” or “Mariah Carey can NOT have been good in Precious? Remember Glitter?!” or any such comment. I feel like, if someone loves Liza Minnelli, there is no need to deride them or make fun of them. That just makes them feel like a second grader who has been teased because they spend recess reading instead of playing tetherball. Nobody likes to have their passions and interests demeaned. Even if you are not interested in Bollywood, even if you don’t understand the American Idol craze, there is no reason to judge someone on their own interests. Just listen to them talk about it for four and half minutes and then tell them about your model airplane collection. However, when someone wants to tell you where they get their KKK robes dry cleaned, down your drink and say “oh dear. My glass is empty. Will you excuse me for a moment, please?”
7. Bet Hedging. I think this is a fatal character flaw. The people I am talking about here are the ones who are unable to accept an invitation because they are waiting for a better one to come along. They tell you “ok, maybe; I’m waiting to hear from a friend….” Or they want to text you on the day of.. because you know they are waiting for a better offer. They keep you waiting to leave for a party or they drop by your party for ten minutes while on their way to a better party. They cannot make plans to go the movies or to the park or to the museum because there is a chance that someone more important might want their company on Saturday, instead. It diminishes your self-esteem because you are always second in line to them – no matter what. These are also the people who carry on conversations with you, the entire time, looking over your shoulder and around the room to see if anyone better, prettier or more important than you just walked in the room. Eww.
8. Liars. I just can’t have liars in my life. Honesty is paramount.
9. Mean Girls. I have had to stop being friends with some people because they are mean. They say mean things to you about you, to other people about them, to you about other people – and then they laugh because they think they are Don Rickles and that it is funny. I was taught “never make your light brighter by diminishing someone else’s.”
10. Drama. I have been a drama queen. I have known crisis junkies. I have had drama mamas in my life. I am no longer a drama queen. I know no more crisis junkies. I got the drama mamas out of my life. I am happier now. And when I say I want no drama in my life – I keep it out of my by starting with this one simple rule: No Crystal Meth Addicts.
Yesterday, though, I was tagged by two of my group on this new list that involved some real, some serious, some introspective thought. I had to turn the camera (so to speak) on myself and see what I found inside. What I found there, I found to be so interesting that I am choosing to post it here...
Word for word, as copied from my Facebook Notes section:
Andrew tagged me in this note and then James Beaman tagged me as well; this is hardly surprising since the three of us tag each other in almost every one of these notes, notes I love a lot, even though there are times when I feel I am not up to the challenge. This note is a list of ten rules regarding your personal life, your space, your expectations and requirements of others on this planet. At first, I was not sure I could do it because, well, frankly, I have far fewer rules than I used to have. People who have known me for a long time have watched me change from a fussy, rather high maintenance friend who had so many rules that it became difficult to have an actual relationship with me. A couple of examples:
For awhile there was a sign on the door to our apartment that said “This is a fragrance free apartment. Anyone entering wearing perfume will be asked to shower.”
Last year, Laurelle was in our building visiting friends and she knocked on our door. Happy to see her, I invited her in; she apologized for coming by unannounced, saying “I know you hate surprise visitors”. I told her “not anymore. I don’t have as many rules as I used to.”
Life’s short. I don’t want to live like that. Too many rules ruins the fun. That being said, I am happy to make this, gentle, list – after much consideration.
Here are ten things in life that I dream of living without and, often, strive for just that. To live without these things – that is my wish.
1. Perfume indiscretion. Even though there is no longer a sign on my door of vehement distaste regarding this matter, my loved ones know that cologne and perfume gives me migraines. Most of my loved ones don’t wear heavy scents around me – and those that do have the good taste to dab just a bit on their person, rather than marinate in it. The truth is, I like perfume – that is to say, a little bit of good perfume. Not cheap dime store trash that smells so bad that it makes a person sick; and, certainly, not in mass quantities.
2. Interruptions. I think it is in the height of bad taste to interrupt someone when they are talking. I know that it happens. I know that we all do it. I am guilty of it to. Also, there are times when interruptions occur that are just not possible to avoid. You’re talking to a friend and your phone rings and it is your mother. You have to interrupt their story and excuse yourself; but it can be done with taste – and the moment you hang up, you should be able to say “you were telling me about the time your pet billy goat ate your mother’s merry widow that was drying on the line in the back yard of your home in Dayton, Ohio”. Or debates of a social or political or religious nature (or other topics I guess) tend to feature a lot of interrupting. That is the nature of debate. However, if someone is chatting with you at a party or telling a story or joke and you interrupt them, it is just bad manners. What is more, we all have friends who do this constantly. Tch.
3. Thoughtlessness. Have you ever had someone say something to you and actually considered replying “you didn’t just say that right to my face, did you?” I don’t (and never will) understand people who are so insensitive that they cannot think about what they say before saying it. I cannot fathom not being aware that saying certain things might not be the best idea – that it might actually hurt someone’s feelings. I know there are people who say things that are, deliberately, meant to hurt: that’s a different thing. I can usually tell when something was designed to hurt me. When a person is so oblivious that they aren’t even aware of what they’ve said or the fact that it couldal, woulda, shoulda and DID hurt me (or anyone else – it is, in fact, worse when you are in a group and you witness someone hurting someone you love and not noticing it); well, that’s just uncontionable.
4. Street smokers. I have friends who smoke. I can, on occasion, stand with them on the stoop during a party and chat with them without being bothered by the smoke – so long as they stand down wind of me and blow in the opposite direction. But the gaggles of people who stand on sidewalks and create mushroom clouds of smoke where I have to walk .. blech. And worse than that are the people on the sidewalk who exhale their cigarette smoke, only to have it bellow back into the faces of pedestrian traffic behind them… nasty. How about the people who flick their butts into the street without ascertaining whether or not they are going to flick it directly into another person? Rude. Sekurity!
5. Fake hugs. This is getting really petty but I have to admit that it bothers me. If you don’t want to hug me, there is a way around it. Everyone can devise their own, personal, way around it. And, frankly, I don’t hug people I don’t love. When someone who is close to me steps in for a hug, I prefer their arms go all the way around me and that they squeeze me. It’s just so dissatisfying to hug someone just gets their hands around you enough to pat you on your shoulderblades twice and then let go. It’s small, it’s petty, it’s nitpicky. I can’t help it. We live for a very short time and affection, both emotional and physical, makes that short life better. If you love someone, tell them. Kiss them and mean it. Hug them and let them know they are loved. People need to know they are loved.
6. Judgment. This is hard for me because I am actually guilty of it. I am actually on a quest to rid myself of this habit. I work closely with Doctor Bowler and with Pat and with OB1 Kenobi to get the habit of judgment out of my soul. I usually judge people on bad hair and bad outfits. I don’t judge people on much else… bad hair and bad outfits is just to easy. It’s fun. It doesn’t happen every day – much of the time I find something to love about my fellow humans (Marci has seen me do it and can back me up). Usually if I am judging people on bad outfits it is because I can see their genitalia through their spandex hot pants at the gym or because I have to look at their nipples through their torn mesh tank top at the gym. The rest of the time, though, I love the girl on the bike with rollers in her hair, I love the crazies wandering New York in mixmatched outfits and big hats. I admit this, though: I do not love the wearing of flip flops. Blech. Aside from my judging people on bad fashion sense, though, I think I’m doing well on my quest to be non-judgmental. My judgments of others tends to be a trend I reserve when witnessing acts of bad character. What I dislike observing, as judgment goes, in others are people who judge others because of their personal tastes. I don’t like hearing (or reading in print on chat boards) peoples’ disdain over someone else’s favourite movie or tv show, over someone else’s passion for renaissance fairs or comic book conventions. I don’t like to hear people say to someone “you like Britney Spears?!” or “Mariah Carey can NOT have been good in Precious? Remember Glitter?!” or any such comment. I feel like, if someone loves Liza Minnelli, there is no need to deride them or make fun of them. That just makes them feel like a second grader who has been teased because they spend recess reading instead of playing tetherball. Nobody likes to have their passions and interests demeaned. Even if you are not interested in Bollywood, even if you don’t understand the American Idol craze, there is no reason to judge someone on their own interests. Just listen to them talk about it for four and half minutes and then tell them about your model airplane collection. However, when someone wants to tell you where they get their KKK robes dry cleaned, down your drink and say “oh dear. My glass is empty. Will you excuse me for a moment, please?”
7. Bet Hedging. I think this is a fatal character flaw. The people I am talking about here are the ones who are unable to accept an invitation because they are waiting for a better one to come along. They tell you “ok, maybe; I’m waiting to hear from a friend….” Or they want to text you on the day of.. because you know they are waiting for a better offer. They keep you waiting to leave for a party or they drop by your party for ten minutes while on their way to a better party. They cannot make plans to go the movies or to the park or to the museum because there is a chance that someone more important might want their company on Saturday, instead. It diminishes your self-esteem because you are always second in line to them – no matter what. These are also the people who carry on conversations with you, the entire time, looking over your shoulder and around the room to see if anyone better, prettier or more important than you just walked in the room. Eww.
8. Liars. I just can’t have liars in my life. Honesty is paramount.
9. Mean Girls. I have had to stop being friends with some people because they are mean. They say mean things to you about you, to other people about them, to you about other people – and then they laugh because they think they are Don Rickles and that it is funny. I was taught “never make your light brighter by diminishing someone else’s.”
10. Drama. I have been a drama queen. I have known crisis junkies. I have had drama mamas in my life. I am no longer a drama queen. I know no more crisis junkies. I got the drama mamas out of my life. I am happier now. And when I say I want no drama in my life – I keep it out of my by starting with this one simple rule: No Crystal Meth Addicts.
posted by StephenMosher at 7:51 AM
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