The Tattoo Chronicles: The Buoys

As a schoolboy, I was the kid other kids picked on. Not in High School - I should clarify that because I do have Facebook friends that were in High School with me. The fact that they didn't pick on me is a tribute to THEM, not to me; because I was a drama queen, a bit aloof and certainly eccentric. I didn't make friends easily but people were friends with me, anyway; and, eventually, I learned to be a friend. It would be years before I would learn to be a person, to be a NON drama queen.

Before those high school years, though, I was a mess - a total wreck. It really was no wonder that kids didn't like me, that I was beat up and shoved into lockers and stuff like that there. I actually remember one occasion, going to school in Fresno, when someone came running down the hallway behind me and kicked me in the back. I remember a time, going to school in Portugal, when one of the American boys in seventh grade stood up on the school bus, pointed at me and said:

"THAT'S a FAGGOT!"

I know I am not the only person who grew up with a minumum of friends and a maximum of solitude. I'm not making a sympathy plea and, frankly, I wouldn't go back and change it if I could. I need my past - it has made me who I am.

Including this next tattoo, one that is really important to me. All my tats are important to me - they are like birthmarks or a roadmap, charting my life and the lessons I have learned.

Not only did I design this tattoo myself, I rendered it myself, moments before having it done. I did a couple of drafts, chose the one I wanted and told the artist GO. It is the tattoo I explain least often and in the vaguest terms because it is so incredibly personal and cuts so very close to my soul; also, I don't always think people will really understand. These little stories I write are usually only read by my family, so I will go out on a limb here and break it down...

Growing up friendless, I spent a lot of time dreaming. I went to the library and read books, voraciously. I watched movies on tv and I went to the picture show; afterward I would sit in my room dreaming about the films, the characters, finishing the stories from where the movies ended and place myself in the storylines, if there was a place for me. I would check records out at the library and sit for hours listening to the scores of the musicals that have come to be ingrained in my system. Remember THE DROWSY CHAPERONE? I watched that play thinking "this has been my life".

The fictional characters in my life have, long, been a source of strength for me. I have used them to propel me forward, to set the bar for who I want to be, to inspire me to better places, times and actions. I have never felt any kind of embarrassment over my attachment to fictional characters. We all get strength from different places. A few years ago I told my friend, Peter, that he needed to find his center of strength. My basic center of strength comes in three channels: my mother, my husband and God. I believe that Peter's center of strength is Barbra Streisand. I know a boy who told me he gets it from Whitney Houston. Others of my friends tap into musical theater, some into sports, some into literature. We all need a pillar within us; it's just a question of what that (or those) pillar(s) of strength will be. Although my source of strength is, now, the three sources mentioned above, I do still tap into fictional characters - usually, those characters who embody qualities that I feel I am lacking. That is why my idols tend to be tough, strong men like Jason Bourne (is there ANYBODY who is unaware of the position I have put this character in, in my life?) or James Bond (the film CASINO ROYALE made a real foundation for me because Daniel Craig's Bond is a real human - flawed and flawless all at the same time. He is in control of his emotions and he is fierce - both to the extreme. These are qualities that I find attractive and wish I could wear, myself).

I chose to place this little tattoo so close to the PLAIN JANE JONES tattoo because, as was stated in the story THE ROLE MODEL, Plain Jane Jones is a fictional character. Placing this tattoo in the same area sort of makes my left forearm/wrist area my fictional character region of my body. What is more, the tattoos are right in my eyesight so that, in moments of need, I can look down and be reminded.

The tattoo is made up of three sets of initials. The initials are of characters from three works of fiction: one book, one movie, one tv show. The characters are characters that inspired me over the years, that embodied qualities that I wish upon myself and that just plain entertained me. I felt and feel a connection to them, to this day.

CB stands for Charlie Baltimore. Charlie Baltimore is a character in a movie that some consider a bad one and that come consider a cult classic. The movie is THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT and Charlie Baltimore is played by Geena Davis - in the story, she is a school teacher, a girlfriend, a mom and an amnesiac. When her memory comes back and she discovers she was an assassin, she has to balance out being bad with being good, being a citizen and being the fiercest badass in town. I loved Charlie Baltimore the first time I saw her and I watch this movie at least four times a year. I never wanted to be a woman; but being like Charlie Baltimore would be the coolest. The funny thing is that years later I would discover the Bourne stories and come to realize that Charlie Baltimore is a gender switched retelling of the Bourne stories. Synchronicity, anyone? To me Charlie Baltimore represents strength, confidence and skill.

BK is for Brian Kinney. Anybody not know about my devotion to the show QUEER AS FOLK? I loved that show and once a year I watch the entire series on dvd. The show represents the kind of family I have had and do have. The characters in that show are not unlike the characters in my life. The family of friends it represents mirrors my own. The storylines are so similar to some of the events in my life and my friends' lives that it becomes creepy strange at times. I loved Brian Kinney from the moment the character was introduced. It wasn't all the sex he had or his commitment to the gay lifestyle; it wasn't his selfishness or his (well hidden) selflessness. It was his commitment to being exactly who he is, without apology, without regret. He had absolute self confidence and, yet, had moments of serious self doubt and agonizing realization of truth - all of which he dealth with (almost entirely) on his own, asking for help only when he needed it. I have been working on building self confidence for years and, thang God, I am currently on my A game. I have been committed to being myself and not apologizing for it or regretting it and I think I'm doing a good, if progressive, job at it. And as far as doing it myself goes - I'll tell you a story. A friend has been after me for a long time to join the Landmark Forum. He believes that it can help me get what is wrong in my life under control. I told him: "I quit drinking on my own. I quit smoking on my own. I quit eating and started working out and lost 60 pounds on my own and replaced it with muscle on my own. I made and saw published my book of photography (almost entirely) on my own. I don't want help. I know when to ask for it; and it happens when I cannot get there on my own. But I prefer to do it on my own." To me Brian Kinney represents a commitment to being true to oneself.

BM is for Bobby Morrow. Bobby Morrow is a character in the book A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD. It was made into a beautiful movie with Collin Farrell, Sissy Spacek and Robin Wright Penn; but to get the full impact of the story and of the character, one should really read Michael Cunningham's book. There isn't a lot of psycho babble to be spouted here. I find Bobby Morrow to be an uncomplicated man who just wants to love and be loved and live in harmony with his loved ones. He seeks a happy home. The funny thing is, in recent months I have been saying (a LOT) "it's just love". I told doctor Bowler that this is my new, my big philosophy on life; I told him I think I am becoming a hippie - that's why I have been flashing the Peace sign to everyone. I started writing a book about my life and about Pat and I and about our loves and I have titled it IT'S JUST LOVE. Two weeks ago, on a whim, I got down the dvd of A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD and popped it into the machine while I was filing some papers and doing some checkbook balancing. There was a moment when Bobby Morrow said to his best friend and, clearly, the love of his life "it's just love, man." I began hollering for Pat. I had forgotten. I had forgotten that moment in this lovely film version of a book I read with pen in hand, underlining passages and making notes in the margin. I had forgotten Bobby Morrow. I won't ever, again, forget Bobby Morrow and what he means to me. To me Bobby Morrow represents Peace and Love; the most important things in life.

This was my sixth tattoo and my final one, for a long time, until my last trip to Texas. On that trip I had a new tattoo, new body art, new ink, applied to my body.